Back to the Start
by RosalineC
Summary: Even in dark times a new start can bring bright beginnings. AU.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: Last time I checked I was a college student who barely makes minimum wage...**

**A/N: Well, I'm not going to say much at this point other than this is a songfic to "The Scientist" by Coldplay.**

**Hope you enjoy,**

**~Rose**

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**Prologue **

_"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry"_

"How long have we been together Kate?" he asked sternly. When she didn't answer him he scoffed and took a step back from her. "Six months Kate!" he shouted, "We've been dating for six months and yet you still don't seem to trust that I won't leave you. You know I love you right?"

Looking down at her hands she stared at a dry patch of skin between her knuckles to keep herself from looking at him. This wasn't the first time he had told her he loved her but she got more and more uncomfortable every time he said it. It wasn't that she didn't love him back—she did love him—she just wasn't _in love_ with him.

She was only twenty-three years old and just got into vice. The last thing she wanted was to be tied down right now—especially since he was right and she did have too many trust issues. He was also wrong; he was leaving her; he was going to Boston.

"You know I have to go to Boston Kate; this job is too good to pass up." He was starting to get frustrated that he had to say this over and over again. Didn't she understand how much this job meant to him? She of all people should.

She hadn't meant to say that last part out loud. She hadn't even realized she had spoken until she had gotten a reply. "You can't deny it is true," she finally argued, "You say you aren't leaving me but that's exactly what you're doing. You're going to Boston and leaving me here in New York City."

"There is another option Kate," he said moving closer to her again and grabbing her hands with his. "Come with me."

"I can't Will, you know that. I just moved up a step into vice; if I play my cards right I could become a detective within a couple years. If I move now I'll basically have to start over again."

"Here you go again Kate, making the job more important than our relationship!" he snapped.

"Isn't that what you're doing?" she snapped right back.

Will Sorenson knew he couldn't win this battle. His mother had always told him that he would know when he had met the right girl but with Kate he had no clue. He couldn't deny how he felt about her but she was so hot and cold. He knew she had her own demons to battle but there was only so much waiting he could do.

"You know what Kate," he finally started with a sigh. Taking his head in his hands he tried to compose his thoughts before continuing. "When you deal with your issues and decide what you want, call me."

She didn't even have a chance to tell him she was sorry before he walked out of her apartment.

~O.o.O.o.O~

Will wasn't wrong when he said that Kate had issues. Between her mother's death a few years back, changing career paths, and her father's alcoholism she had enough to deal with without adding relationship problems to the mix. She probably shouldn't have even been in a relationship in the first place; not when she was still so damaged.

She had a lot of decisions to make. Should she stay in Manhattan and work towards her ultimate goal of becoming a detective or should she follow Will to Boston and start fresh in the Boston PD?

Maybe Will was right; maybe it was time to handle her issues and fight her demons. She knew exactly where she should start too: it was about time she went through the boxes of her mom's stuff that she had stored in her apartment but was always too afraid to go through. Looking at the personal items that belonged to Johanna was something Kate thought would bring back painful memories. Maybe if Kate faced those memories head to head she could move on with her life and be happy.

The apartment was too silent—only the ticking of the clock, the outside traffic, and frantic beating of Kate's heart breaking it—as she reached for the first box that was in her storage closet. Shaking hands took the flaps of the box and opened it. This one appeared to be full of files—case files for court, Kate presumed. Taking them out one by one she noticed there were two books underneath. She paid more attention to the first which was a large, leather-bound photo album. Flipping through the stiff pages smiling pictures of her parents and her younger self stared back at her. They all looked so happy back then. Back when they were a "real" family. Back before everything fell apart.

Strong as she was trying to be, stray tears spilled down her cheeks as she saw pictures of her parents looking lovingly at each other as they held baby Kate between them.

Not being able to bear looking at the joy in their eyes anymore, Kate closed the book and her eyes along with it. More tears spilled out past her eyelids and lashes as she closed them tighter.

Composing herself before her tears turned into sobs, she took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and turned back to the box.

She wasn't sure how this was going to help her overcome her past so she could have a healthy relationship with Will, but she would persevere anyways.

The last remaining item in the box was a paperback novel. The worn cover, slightly frayed pages, and creased spine were all signs that the book had been well read—knowing her mom it had probably been well loved too.

The bright cover drew her in as she flipped the book over to see the author's picture on the back cover. She was surprised at how young and good looking he was.

The synopsis revealed that it was a crime novel. Maybe the killer would get caught and the victim's family would get justice. The justice she never got for her mother.

Slowly opening the book, Kate began to read _In a Hail of Bullets_ by Richard Castle.

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	2. Chapter One

**Disclaimer: Does anyone actually believe I could be Marlowe at this point?**

**A/N: To the Kate to my Castle, it may not be a whole book but will a chapter do?**

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**Chapter One**

_"You don't know how lovely you are"_

Six Months Later

"Do you think he's going to propose any time soon?" Mindy asked as she shoved a forkful of pasta into her mouth. It was Friday evening and Kate was out for a "girls' night" with her best friend Mindy at a local restaurant right in the heart of Boston.

She'd been living in Boston with Will for five months now and had managed to get up into vice in the Boston PD. Her relationship with Will seemed to be doing better and Kate thought it may be possible that Will was going to propose. Whether she was ready for it or not was a different story. "He might," she responded vaguely.

"You don't seem excited at the idea."

Kate shrugged. She did like the idea of marriage but she always thought of herself as the "one and done" type and she wasn't sure that Will was her "one".

"What's the problem?" Mindy asked. She had noticed that Kate had been a little _off_ for a couple days now ever since Will had been spotted walking out of a jewelry store. It was nowhere near Christmas or Kate's birthday so the only logical reason Kate and Mindy could come up with was that he was going to propose.

Kate sighed, "Nothing I guess. Will and I are fine. Just fine. That's all we're ever going to be—just _fine_."

"You don't love him do you?"

"It isn't that exactly," Kate said even though it was. "I do love Will," she started, echoing her thoughts from all those months ago when she debated whether she was going to follow him to Boston or not, "I'm just not in love with him."

That was exactly what Mindy was waiting for. "I know," she said gently. She figured that one out almost as soon as she met her.

Kate sighed. "I just don't know if I'm capable of loving anyone."

"Of course you are Kate," Mindy told her, setting her hand on her shoulder. "You have no clue just how amazing you are. You're smart, beautiful, caring. Besides that, you love your dad and I don't you?"

"Of course but you guys are my family. I mean, I don't know if I'm capable of loving someone like my dad loved my mom. I just don't want to get hurt again Mindy."

"Not everyone will hurt or leave you Kate. Don't think you're incapable of loving Kate. Just look at how much you've fallen for that author whose books you're obsessed with."

"I' not obsessed with Richard Castle's books and I'm not in love with him!"

Mindy chuckled, lightening the mood. "You should see how red your face s right now."

Kate blushed even more. Okay, so she may be _slightly_ obsessed with his books but you can't be in love with someone you've never met.

Luckily Kate didn't have to answer to that as her phone chose this moment to ring. "Beckett," she answered, thinking about how weird it would be to answer with "Sorenson" if she and Will got married.

"Ms. Beckett..."

As Kate listened, all colour slowly drained from her face. It was ashen as she hung up and turned to Mindy.

"Kate? Kate what's wrong?" Mindy frantically asked her friend.

Kate couldn't speak past the lump in her throat—she could barely even breathe.

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	3. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer: I have to be up for class early tomorrow morning. Marlowe doesn't.**

**A/N: Zombie girl, one chapter turned into two.**

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**Chapter Two**

_"I need to find you, tell you I need you"_

Will wasn't at the apartment when Mindy drove Kate back there. _Where the heck is that man?_ Mindy fumed internally. It was just like him not to be there when he was needed.

Kate sank down into the couch, completely numb, while Mindy fluttered around the kitchen, filling the kettle to make Kate a cup of tea.

How was it some people just couldn't get a break? Hadn't Kate been through enough without this too? If she thought Kate would accept it she would give the girl a hug, wrap her in a blanket, and put on a movie, but Kate was too proud for that—she would try to stay strong.

The kettle whistled and Mindy poured the hot water into two mugs, both containing an earl grey tea bag. As they steeped, she noticed that there were candles set up around the kitchen. They weren't lit but they were there. Maybe Kate and Mindy weren't so far off about the proposal theory after all.

Disposing the tea bags and adding milk and sugar, Mindy brought the hot mugs of tea into the living room.

"Here, drink this," she told Kate, "earl grey tea always makes me feel better."

"Thanks," Kate said, quietly taking the warm beverage. "I don't know how much tea is going to help this though. What did we do to deserve this Mindy?" Kate asked.

The pain in her voice and eyes was heartbreaking. Mindy didn't know what to tell her. She did absolutely nothing to deserve this. It was hard seeing Kate this miserable and sad. The sorrow would turn into anger soon enough and eventually acceptance. _Denial. Sorrow. Anger. Acceptance._

Neither one knew how long they sat there in silence. Mindy's tea was long gone and Kate's had long gone cold. The clock ticked, the traffic passed, raindrops hit the window—all else was quiet.

Footsteps approached in the hallway and the door finally opened. Flowers and champagne in hand Will entered the apartment. When she saw who it was, Mindy got up and shoved Will outside.

"Where have you been?" she barked, closing the door behind them. "We couldn't even get a hold of you!"

"Whoa! Mindy, I was just getting flowers and champagne," he told her, holding up the items for her to see. Confirming her suspicions, Will added, "I was planning on proposing to Kate tonight."

"Now probably isn't the best time," she told him, sounding colder than she meant to. It wasn't Will's fault that he hadn't been there when Kate needed him but she was still a little irritated.

The panic in Mindy's voice finally registered in Will's brain. "Wait, what's wrong? Is Kate okay?"

"I wouldn't say 'okay' is the right word. You may want to go talk to her yourself though."

Will nodded. He wanted to ask Mindy more, find out exactly what was going on but she was right; he needed to talk to Kate.

The two headed back into the apartment where Mindy grabbed her purse. "I should be heading home now Kate," she told her, wanting to give Kate and Will some time alone. "Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything. Even if you just need to talk, give me a call."

"Thanks," Kate told her friend. They both knew Kate probably wouldn't call.

When Mindy left Will went over and sat next to Kate on the couch."Hey," he said, pushing hair out of Kate's face. "What's wrong?"

"I got a call tonight when I was out with Mindy. My dad's in the hospital. It's liver cancer."

_Crap._ This was not what Kate needed. First her mother's death and now her dad was sick? "I'm sorry Kate," he told her, pulling her into his arms, "I'm so sorry."

She hated crying in front of Will—it made her feel so weak—but a couple of stray tears made their way down her cheeks anyways. She was drained physically, mentally, and emotionally by this point. In no time she had fallen asleep in Will's arms.

~O.o.O.o.O~

She was a mess of tangled hair and smeared makeup when she woke up in the morning. Will had fallen asleep not long after Kate so neither of them exactly made it to bed.

Will got ready for work while Kate just sat at the kitchen table staring at her untouched cup of coffee.

"Call in sick," he told her, walking into the kitchen and fixing his tie.

She didn't even register what he said— lost in her own thoughts. "I need to move back to New York Will," he finally told him.

"I understand that you need to be with your father Kate but what does that mean for us?"

"I don't know." She wasn't about to beg him to come with her. She knew his job was far too important to him for him to give it up. Besides, she didn't think it was right to string hi along any longer.

"When are you leaving?" he asked her, knowing she had already made up her mind and he wasn't going to be able to change it now.

"Three days."

_Three days. _She was going to pack up all her stuff and be gone in three days. That was so little time but knowing Kate she would be packed up and ready to go by tomorrow.

~O.o.O.o.O~

She wouldn't let Will take her to the airport. She didn't want any long, drawn out goodbyes. She didn't want him to have a glimmer of hope that things could work out between them one day. He was a great guy but Kate had too much going on. She couldn't pretend to be in love with him anymore. She couldn't even be in a relationship anymore—not when she had her dad to take care of.

Getting on the plane she just wished she could have a new start.

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	4. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer: I doubt Marlowe sits in a group of three geography students who all sit and stare at their labs and laugh/cry**

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, I've had this written for a couple days but homework got in the way of typing it up. I'll try to update once a week.**

**~Rose**

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**Chapter Three**

_"Tell you I set you apart"_

"I hope you'll find that we are all very friendly here," a sleazy looking, middle-aged man said to Kate. She had only been in her new apartment building for half an hour and she was already getting creeped out by her neighbors. So far she had met an old lady with seven cats (clearly this building allowed pets) named Joan and Ralph (the sleazy middle-aged man). She felt like she was stuck in a movie—how stereotypical could these people get?

"Thanks Ralph," she responded as she opened her door hoping he would get the hint and go away. "I guess I better get unpacking now."

"Would ya like some help?" he asked, his Brooklyn accent thick.

"No, no, I should be okay," she replied, trying to sound polite even though she just wanted him to leave her alone.

"Are you sure? I'm a great help," he winked.

_I'm sure you are_, she internally cringed. He winked again and she physically had to stop herself from gagging.

"It's fine," she told him again, "I'm really tired so I'll probably only unpack a couple of boxes and then go to sleep."

"Alright then. Just let me know if you need anything."

"I will," she lied. She was quickly losing her patience and he seemed to get the hint.

Finally alone, Kate took a look at the pile of boxes that she had to unpack. Even though she didn't want to procrastinate, she really didn't feel like unpacking now. Despite what she told Ralph, she was buzzing with energy now that she was back in New York. She really had missed it.

Kate decided to forgo the unpacking in favour of browsing around the city she loved. It was only mid-afternoon (did Ralph really believe she was going to sleep this early?) and it was beautiful out. Kate loved the city this time of year. The heat of August was gone and the chill of October was not yet here. September had always been both her and her mom's favourite month. They always used to walk around the city together and now Kate would walk it alone.

She paused outside the nearest Starbucks, debating whether she was going to go in or not, but she decided to pass this one by. She had enough over-priced coffee with names that were almost too difficult to pronounce when she was in Boston. Now that she was back in Manhattan there was no way she was going to Starbucks when the coffee shop she always went to with her mom wasn't far from here.

As she passed little jewellery stores and expensive clothing boutiques, Kate knew she had to be getting fairly close. She'd been walking for about an hour now and couldn't wait to get a hot cup of coffee.

Some of the stores had changed since Kate had moved to Boston. There used to be a small pawn shop and a shoe store next to her favourite coffee shop; now the two smaller buildings had been converted into a large Barnes & Noble. Kate made a mental note to check it out after she got her caffeine fix.

As she walked into the coffee shop and smelled the familiar aroma of fresh roasted coffee beans, it dawned on her that she hadn't been here since her mom died. _Had it really been that long?_ The thought made her a little sad but she was determined to make the best of things. Her dad didn't need the negative energy around him.

"What can I get you Miss?" a male barista that looked to be about twelve even though he must be older than that asked.

In her distracted state, she ordered her mom's coffee order without even thinking. Good thing she always did like to steal sips of her mom's coffee when they used to come here.

"One vanilla latte coming up," the barista confirmed.

The coffee was ready fairly quickly and Kate thanked the barista as he handed her the to-go cup and she paid.

She left the coffee shop and went over to the bookstore. As she got closer she noticed a sign in the window advertizing that Richard Castle was going to be signing books on September eighteenth from two to four. She looked at her watch and saw that it was three thirty. She smiled to herself as she pulled the nearly falling apart copy of _In a Hail of Bullets_ that she kept with her out of her purse.

Passing shelf upon shelf full of books, Kate made her way to the table where the author was greeting fans and signing books. The line was fairly long but not nearly as long as she feared it would be. Opening her book she began to read while she waited to get the precious item signed.

~O.o.O.o.O~

It was one minute to four and there was only one person left in line in front of Kate and no one behind her. The blonde in front of her giggled as her breast got signed instead of her books. The blonde gave a cutesy little wave to the writer as she left.

"And your name is?" the mystery novelist asked Kate with a warm smile as she shyly set her book on the table.

"Kate," she said quietly.

He signed her book promptly and handed it back to her with a genuine smile. "Thanks for coming here today Kate."

She thanked him back, gave a small smile, and reached for a copy of his newest book to buy. After she headed to the till and paid for her book, she paused for a moment outside the store to read what Richard Castle had written.

Her heart stopped beating for a moment before she realized he probably wrote that in every girl's book.

_Kate: the girl with the beautiful eyes,_

_I've never seen anyone stand out in a crowd like you do._

_Richard Castle_

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**A/n: Hey, look Mindy, no angst!**

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	5. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer: Marlowe isn't neglecting two papers to write fanfiction...**

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**Chapter Four**

_"Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions"_

It was her second day back in New York and she knew she couldn't put off going to see her dad any longer. She knew what hospital he was in, now she just needed to get up the courage to go.

Kate's relationship with her father disintegrated after Johanna died. Neither one knew what to say to each other and ended up just shutting the other out. They both dealt with their grief very differently but at the same time they weren't all that different—both methods of dealing with grief were detrimental. Kate's coping mechanisms were not killing her though.

She didn't have a gift; she didn't even know what she would bring him. He didn't even know she was coming. They had only talked on the phone once while Kate was in Boston and the last time she actually saw him was a couple months before she followed Will out of the city—the thought of seeing him now was actually pretty nerve wracking.

The cab driver asked Kate where she wanted to go and she gave him the address of the hospital. The ride seemed to be far too quick yet seemed to drag on at the same time; she wasn't sure she was prepared to see her dad yet.

"May I help you with something dear?" the receptionist at the front desk asked.

"I'm looking for James Beckett's room," she told the older woman.

"Ah, you must be Jim's daughter. Katie right?"

"It's Kate," she corrected. She was amazed that her father had actually mentioned her, much less called her that. She was never fond of it as a child but she couldn't help but be a little sad when he stopped. The last time he had called her that was the day of her mother's funeral.

"Room 201, just up on the next floor and two doors to your right dear."

Kate thanked the woman and was pointed towards the elevator. Kate was extremely anxious as she rode up to the next floor—the quicker she got there the quicker she could get the awkward part over with.

Sucking in a deep breath when she got to the door, Kate slowly entered the room.

"Kate?" her dad's raspy voice cut through the air once he saw his daughter.

"Dad," she replied, her voice small.

"How long are you in the city?" he asked and she could almost swear he had a bitter tone to his voice.

"I moved back," she explained.

Surprise coloured his face for a brief moment. "What about Will?"

"Will is a great guy," she began.

"But he isn't the right guy," Jim cut in. Kate nodded. Jim had never been fond of Will. He hadn't seen his daughter much in the past year but even he knew Will didn't make her half as happy as those crime novels Johanna used to read did.

An awkward silence settled over the room. Neither knew what to say and neither wanted to bring up the issues between them.

"What do you want Katie?" the elder Beckett asked the same time as his daughter asked, "When exactly were you planning on telling me that you're sick?"

Jim sighed but didn't say anything. He didn't need to; Kate's suspicions were confirmed.

"That's what I thought," Kate replied, anger creeping into her voice. "You were just going to keep me in the dark weren't you? I didn't need to know; you were just going to let yourself get sicker and sicker until you died! Do you know how that makes me feel Dad? How it makes me feel to know that you were just going to let yourself die and not even let me say goodbye to you! I never got to say goodbye to Mom; would you really deprive me of being able to say goodbye to you too?"

Kate was pissed; there wasn't a doubt about that. Jim hated to admit that she was right. When Johanna had been cruelly taken from them there had been no goodbyes. Kate had already lost on parent, was he really selfish enough to deny her the goodbye she never got to say to Johanna?

"I'm sorry Katie," he began.

"Is sorry really enough Dad?" she interrupted.

"I think you should go until you calm down Kate," he suggested.

Without a word, Kate got up and left the room. She knew she was being stubborn and more than a little unkind but she was hurt and tired of pretending she wasn't. What had happened to them? Before her mom died the three of them were a pretty close family. Now Jim and Kate barely spoke.

She knew she had to keep it together but that was getting more and more difficult. All the sorrow, anger, hurt, and fear were crashing down upon her, making it difficult to even breathe. She just had to get away from the building as quick as possible before she collapsed on the ground in a fit of sobs.

She almost ran down the street—distancing herself from the vile building—to hail a cab. Hot tears were streaming down her face and she knew she must look a real mess.

She clearly wasn't paying attention as she made her way down the street. Bumping into a person or two, she got cursed at but she didn't stop until she ran face first into Richard Castle.

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	6. Chapter Five

**Disclaimer: Marolwe doesn't have an essay, math assignment, and lab that he should be doing.**

**A/N: Well it's a day late Mindy, but here it is. **

**This chapter thoroughly kicked my ass. **

**~Rose**

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**Chapter Five**

_"Oh lets go back to the start"_

She didn't even have time to panic before he noticed her tears and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied, mentally willing her tears away. Trying to hide her embarrassment she added, "I'm sorry I ran into you."

"No worries, it happens all the time."

_Yeah, I'm sure women are always "accidently" bumping into you and then falling all over you,_ she thought.

He didn't wait for a response before staring at her inquisitively and asking, "Have we met before? You seem familiar."

"Let me guess, you've met me in your dreams?" she mocked cruelly. She wasn't sure why she was being so snappy but she just wasn't in the mood to get fed lines by a known womanizer.

"We have met," he mused, ignoring her cynical tone, "those eyes would definitely star in my dreams. Kate isn't it? Kate with the beautiful eyes."

He did remember her after all. She didn't know what to say to him; she just wanted to be alone right now. Her emotions must have been written all over her face because the author took a step closer to her and asked, "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine," she repeated hoping she didn't sound as unconvincing to him as she did to herself.

No such luck; he saw right through her. He didn't make a big deal of it; instead he let out a small self-deprecating laugh—clearly about to change the subject to give her an out.

"I forgot to grab coffee before I left my apartment," he told her smoothly, "it's going to be a long day with all my meetings and such that I have in a couple hours. Would you like to grab a coffee with me?"

She wasn't sure whether she should laugh at his feeble attempt to get her to go for coffee or be slightly insulted that he'd think she'd go for him because he's famous. She knew she should say no. She wanted to say no. She _had_ to say no; she wasn't back in NYC to go on dates with famous authors.

Her mouth clearly wasn't listening to her brain; before she even knew what she was doing the words, "Oh why not?" popped out f her mouth.

He smiled and she instantly regretted it. _What the hell have you gotten yourself into Kate?_ This wasn't the plan. The plan was to take care of her dad even if he didn't want her to and to get back into the NYPD. _Oh god, this was not going to end well._

~O.o.O.o.O~

She wished he wasn't so good looking. Maybe it would be easier to resist his charm if he wasn't so damn good looking. Between his look and his way with words...

Pulling Kate from her thoughts, the novelist flashed her a cocky smile as he asked, "Out of all my books why was _In a Hail of Bullets_ the one you got signed?"

She wasn't about to tell him the truth. What was she supposed to say? _I got that one signed because it belonged to my mother who was murdered?_ Yeah, not going to happen.

"I just like that one a lot okay," she lied. She hoped he wouldn't see through her again. He seemed to be quite good at that and it was unnerving. People didn't see through her. She wasn't an open book. She was hard to get to know even when someone got past her initial coldness. Mindy knew about her past but she never knew the _real_ Kate; it was the same way with Will.

"I wouldn't say that it's my best work," he countered.

"Maybe not," she agreed, "but it was the first novel you published and that in itself is special. Your writing may not have been the best quality but it is the whole 'newness' of it—the innocent passion of it—that makes it so enthralling."

He couldn't seem to wipe the genuine smile off his face. "I never thought of it that way before," he told her. "You're honest; it's refreshing. You're a real lover of literature aren't you?"

"I am," she admitted. She had always been an avid reader. When she was younger she was never seen without a book. She was quite a precocious reader as well, reading books such as _Crime and Punishment_ and _War and Peace_ when she was only thirteen years old.

"I'd love to hear more of your opinions about my books and literature in general. Would you mind sharing them with me? Maybe at dinner one night?"

She couldn't believe what she was about to do. She was about to say yes.

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	7. Chapter Six

******Disclaimer: I doubt Marlowe spent two days playing 300 games of mine sweeper while procrastinating writing...**

**A/N: Oh look, I didn't die! Sorry for the wait; finals and Christmas make it a crazy time of year.**

**~Rose**

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**Chapter Six**

_"Running in circles, coming up tails"_

They didn't end up parting ways after they finished their coffees. Kate had started to say that she really should go home but Rick insisted she stay a little longer. He almost had puppy dog eyes when he asked her to stay and she just couldn't resist.

She was amazed how comfortable she was with him; it had been a long time since she was this comfortable with anyone. How comfortable she was with him made her uncomfortable—it was a paradox she was sure would enjoy as a writer if she were to tell him.

They had no clue what they we doing or where they were going as they started heading down the street. They seemed to be walking blindly towards an unknown destination and neither even cared.

Rick's face broke out in childish excitement as they reached the park. Kate couldn't resist following him when he headed to the swings; the happiness in his eyes made them light up and look even more dazzlingly blue. He had such a childish innocence about him as he sat down on the swing that may or may not hold his weight and smiled at her.

"So Kate, what's your story?"

"What do you mean 'what's my story'?" she asked, staling so she could think of something other than the truth to tell him. No matter how strangely comfortable she felt with Rick she barely knew the man and there was no way she was going to tell him about her mother or even her father.

"I mean, well I mean exactly that Kate; what's your story?"

She let out a scoff and said, "Not everyone has a story writer boy."

"Sure they do," he replied. Smirking, he added, "And also, it's writer _man_ not writer boy."

"You'd have to prove that Ricky," she teased before realizing what she said and abruptly changing the subject. "So how long have you lived in New York?" she asked, already knowing the answer thanks to the fan sites she may have looked at once or twice.

"My whole life," he told her, rather proudly, "What about you?"

"Most of it," she admitted, "I did spend five months or so in Boston."

"Really?" he asked, intrigued. "And you came back to New York?"

"Just couldn't stay away I guess," she laughed throatily. If only he knew how true this was. Even if her dad hadn't have ended up sick she probably would have ended up moving back to the city she loved eventually anyways. All the memories she had tried to leave behind when she moved ended up following her to Boston anyways so why would she stay there when her original dream was in New York? She had lost sight of what she had really been after—becoming an NYPD homicide detective to give justice to other families in the city like she didn't get. New York was where she belonged.

"There is something magical about it isn't there?" the novelist asked, breaking Kate out of her little bubble of thought and memory.

"I suppose there is," she agreed. There was also tragedy, loss, heartbreak, and sorrow.

Kate figured that Rick must have caught the brief melancholy glint in Kate's eyes as he quickly changed the subject. Obviously back to trying to find out as much information as possible about her he asked, "So what do you do Kate?"

"I'm a cop," she told him. He was going to find out sooner or later and maybe this would scare him away before she had a chance to get too emotionally attached.

No such luck. "That is so cool! Do you ever use your handcuffs for something other than arresting criminals?"

She rolled her eyes at him. "Yes, I use my handcuffs for hot, wild, kinky sex," she joked.

"I knew it!" he exclaimed. "You could always show me exactly how you use those cuffs."

"In your dreams Castle," she snorted.

"I'm counting on that. Wait, did you just call me Castle?"

"Work thing. We tend to call each other by our last name. I guess it just slipped out due to habit."

"I like it," he stated with a smile. "It's sexy. Then again you could call me anything and it would still be sexy."

She had to roll her eyes. Maybe he was still the playboy she originally thought he was. She was under no impression that everything on the internet and in gossip magazines was true but she should've known better than to think that Richard Castle's womanizer reputation was just an act.

"See, even your eye rolling is sexy," he added. He must have gotten the hint because as she gave him a stony glare he changed the subject. "So Kate, what made you decide to become a cop?"

Kate paled slightly. Composing herself she came up with the best answer that she could, "I'm a cop because what a do is important. Getting justice for those who can't get it for themselves, it matters. It's _real_."

Rick's cocky smile relaxed into what could only be described as a caring expression. He was clearly impressed with her answer."That's very insightful Officer," he teased, lightening the mood. He gave her a genuine smile that made his whole face light up.

Kate was still battling internally with herself. Getting close to anyone was a risk but getting close to a known womanizer who also seemed damn sweet was even worse. Fear surged through Kate's system and she knew what she had to do: run.

"I really should go unpack," she told him. "I have lots to do before I go back to work."

She could've sworn she heard Rick let out a small sad sigh. "I understand," he told her, not quite sounding defeated. "Can I walk you home?"

"It's not the nineteen-fifties," she retorted, "I can manage to get home alone; especially since I'm going to hail a cab."

Brushing off her tone that indicated that she just wanted to be alone he leaned forward and lightly pressed his lips to her cheek. "It was nice to see you again Kate."

As Richard Castle walked away Kate knew this running in circles was not going to end anytime soon; she was in too deep.

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	8. Chapter Seven

**Disclaimer: Sadly Santa didn't bring me the rights to the show for Christmas.**

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**Chapter Seven**

_"Heads on a science apart"_

"I'm so sorry," Kate whispered, "I'm so sorry Mom."

Kate stood at her mother's grave for the first time since the day they put her in the ground. She couldn't bear to come back before but now she felt it was what she needed to do.

With her mother's ring dangling on a chain that Kate was currently twirling with her finger. Kate let a tear fall as she watched the hypnotizing piece of jewellery. She wiped her tears away before she could show too much weakness.

"I'm so sorry Mom. If you were here you would be so disappointed with me. I'm throwing my life away Mom; I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I joined the force so I could solve your murder like the detective investigating it never did. It was going to destroy me so I got into therapy and left the case alone. I got out of the rabbit hole Mom but I'm still not whole. I feel like I'm letting you down by not catching your killer but I also know that you wouldn't want me to throw away my life over this. I want to be okay Mom."

Kate took in a deep breath; as hard as it was to be saying all this out loud, it also felt good to get it off her chest. "I tried to fall in love and move on with my life, I really did, but Will just wasn't the right guy." She sighed again, not wanting to even admit to the possibility of there even being a right guy.

"I promise you that I'm going to try harder Mom. I won't let you down again."

Kate knew that she had to come back here more often—make it a regular thing. She gave her mother's chain on last spin before she pocketed the piece of jewellery and composed herself so she could leave.

"I'm so sorry Mom," she whispered one more time, "I love you."

~O.o.O.o.O~

She was physically and emotionally drained by the time she got back to her apartment. What was she going to do now? How was she supposed to get out of this situation? She wasn't planning on opening up to anyone and now there was Richard Castle. She hadn't _exactly_ opened up to him but he felt like someone she could open up to eventually if she were to give him a chance.

She couldn't do that—she wouldn't do that. She had to stick to the plan: get back into the NYPD to work towards becoming a homicide detective so she could get justice for other families. Between that and taking care of her dad, she didn't have room in her life for complications.

Deciding that unwinding was probably the best idea, Kate drew herself up a bath. As the hot water ran she poured in her vanilla scented bubble bath that she found in the box labelled "bathroom stuff". The warm scent infused the air, instantly relaxing her.

When she was satisfied with the amount of water in the tub she slipped off her robe, poured herself a glass of red wine, and grabbed a good boo before sliding into the sudsy water.

Letting the water relax her and soothe away the tension in her muscles, Kate opened the well read book and nearly recited the words she almost knew by heart. It was one of _his_ of course; the one she had gotten signed to be exact.

She couldn't seem to concentrate on the words that usually gave her so much comfort. His smile kept floating around her head. _Damn him._ They would never work even if Kate did give him a chance. He was a rich and famous author who lied to party an she was a cop who couldn't get past her mother's murder. They were from different world—a science apart.

She tried to rid her mind of thoughts of the mystery novelist and just let herself relax again. She set down her book and immersed herself in the water. With her hair now saturated with the now luke-warm water she reached for her usual cherry-scented shampoo. She found something very relaxing about squeezing the red product into her hand and then massaging it into her scalp while the comforting smell filled the room. There was such normality in something as mundane as washing hair and even the smallest shred of normality was a welcome relief among the chaos Kate's life seemed to be in.

Kate repeated the process with her matching cherry conditioner before reaching for her towel and drying off. She took special care in drying her natural curly hair so it wouldn't go frizzy before she dried off her body.

She had prolonged the process of the bath for probably much longer than necessary but it gave her something to do. She was far too tired to finish unpacking but she had far too much on her mind to go to sleep. She was afraid that if she closed her eyes she would relive the night of her mother's murder or that her thoughts would stray to those of her father. She was even afraid that if she closed her eyes thoughts of _him _would fill her mind. The last thing she needed was Richard Castle invading her unconscious thoughts.

She needed a distraction. She could call Mindy—she _should_ call Mindy—but she felt guilty for not talking to her since she left Boston and she wasn't sure that she really wanted to explain the whole Richard Castle thing to her.

With a defeated sigh the exhausted officer crawled into bed knowing that she needed sleep and couldn't delay the inevitable any longer.


	9. Chapter Eight

**Disclaimer: If I owned them the finale would have gone a bit differently.**

**A/N: Sorry that I've been missing in action lately. School was crazy for while and then writer's block decided to kick in.**

**This chapter is for M: I write for myself because I need to, but you are my inspiration, my drive. Thank you. I am too stubborn to give this up now even after everything.**

**~Rose**

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**Chapter Eight**

_"Nobody said it was easy"_

"Back again Miss Beckett," the cheerful receptionist commented with a smile, "Here for your dad?"

Kate didn't even want to be at the hospital much less deal with receptionists that were far too perky for this hour of the morning. Nonetheless, Kate smiled and told her, "I thought I'd come and see him nice and early this morning before I go into work."

"Oh?" the woman (Julie was her name according to her nametag) asked, her curiosity peaked, "Where do you work?"

"I'm a cop," Kate replied. She hadn't been accepted by the twelfth precinct yet but with any luck she would have a job there soon.

"Oh right!" Judy exclaimed. "Jim mentioned that." Kate was starting to wonder what else her father had mentioned about her.

"You can go in and see him now," Judy told her with yet another over enthusiastic smile. "Have a nice day Officer Beckett."

"You too Judy." Kate couldn't get away from the chipper receptionist fast enough. She would take her dad over cheerful Judy any day.

The walk to her father's room seemed even longer today due to how anxious she was for both seeing her dad and for talking to the captain of the twelfth precinct afterwards to see about a job.

"Katie," Jim called out, seeming to know who was approaching his door before she even showed herself.

"Hi Dad." She walked over to her fragile looking father's bed. He looked even worse today than the last time she was here. It broke her heart knowing that it was his alcoholism that did this to him. "How are you feeling Dad?"

"Same old, same old Katie. Aches and pains, but maybe I'm just getting old."

Kate couldn't help but smiling a little—it was a small, slightly sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. Her mood suddenly changed and she murmured, "I'm sorry," so low that she wasn't sure if he had even heard her.

"For what?" the sick man asked. "For smiling? You know I love to see you smile Katie."

Kate sighed; trust her dad to still be trying to make light of things. She hadn't seen that side of him since before her mom died. It would have been refreshing under different circumstances. Shaking her head, she replied, "You know that's not what I mean Dad."

"I know," he admitted. "You don't need to be sorry. We both said things that we didn't mean."

"It's more than that Dad. I'm sorry that it's come to this. That it had to come to the point where the only reason we're talking again is because you got sick. I hate this. I hate that we've both been so stubborn!"

Kate was trying hard not to cry at this point but some stray tears betrayed her and made their way down her cheeks anyways. Jim looked at her sadly and replied simply, "I know Katie, I know."

"It isn't fair Dad."

"It may not be fair Katie, but that's life. Nobody said it was easy but that's what makes it worth it."

Silence overcame them as Kate sat down on the chair next to her dad's bed. Instead of being awkward the silence was actually comfortable—Kate just being there was enough without words needing to be said.

After a while Kate started tracing circles on the back of her hand with her other thumb, staring intently at it. "Something growing on the back of your hand Katie?" Jim finally asked with a smile.

"An alien life-form," Kate joked back. She remembered the days when she used to believe in stuff like that; back when she was naive and innocent and still believed in happiness and things working out.

Jim chuckled at Kate's attempt to lighten the mood again. It was nice to see a sliver of the bubbly personality she had as a child shine through again. She had gotten so jaded since Johanna died—not that he would _really_ know since he hadn't been around much. Maybe things would have been different if they had been there for each other instead of trying to deal with everything on their own. It was too late to change that now but he could try to change things from this point on and into the future.

"How are you Katie?" he asked, knowing that showing interest in her life again was a good start.

"Not too bad," she responded. Her thoughts drifted to Richard Castle briefly and she had to hide the smile that started to form on her face. _She needed to stop thinking about that damn writer._ If her dad saw that smile he didn't question it and push. Wanting to cover up her change in behavior over a certain writer she really didn't want to mention, Kate decided to change the subject and bring up work. "I'm going to try to go back to the twelfth precinct," the younger Beckett told the elder one, bracing herself for any anger that would follow her statement.

Jim sighed, knowing this was coming and also knowing there was nothing he could do to change her mind. He wasn't fond of the fact that she was putting herself in danger but he knew that this was her coping mechanism and she was too damn stubborn to give it up. He got that it made her feel like she had a purpose—that she could do something to help others who were in her situation and possibly feel less helpless. He only wished that he could feel the same way.

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	10. Chapter Nine

**Disclaimer: Marlowe doesn't have to spend weeks job hunting.**

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**Chapter Nine**

_"It's such a shame for us to part"_

Kate took longer than usual to shower, and even longer to do her hair and makeup. It had been a long time since Kate had been this nervous to go into work. Her meeting with Captain Montgomery of the twelfth precinct had gone extremely well and not only was she now an officer for the NYPD again, she was an officer in homicide. She couldn't imagine a better scenario; she was one step closer to her goal of being a homicide detective.

She got her usual coffee on the way to work, out of habit more than anything since her adrenaline was replacing the need for caffeine. Getting coffee also stopped her from showing up at the precinct ridiculously early.

There was a detective waiting there for her when she showed up. He introduced himself as Detective O'Brien and his partner was Detective Grayson. O'Brien was cocky and arrogant—he should be "fun" to work with—but Grayson seemed nice enough. Grayson informed her she would be meeting the two officers that she would be working with soon.

"Where ya from Beckett?" O'Brien asked with a smirk. Something about him just screamed "jackass" to Beckett.

"I grew up here in New York City but I was an officer in Boston for a while," she told him politely.

"Boston huh? What was in Boston?" the nosey detective asked.

"Just wanted to get away for a while, I guess," Kate replied, leaving out that she had moved to Boston for a guy.

"Yet you came back?"

Before Kate could reply, Grayson jumped in and said to O'Brien, "I think we've interrogated Officer Beckett enough for one day. How about I go introduce her to Officers Esposito and Karpowski now?"

"Fine, fine," O'Brien said absentmindedly as Grayson and Beckett walked off.

"You'll have to ignore him," Grayson told Beckett, "he seems to think manners and tact are optional."

Beckett let out a small laugh. Hopefully the two officers she was going to be working with were more like Grayson than O'Brien.

When they stopped walking, Grayson motioned to a Hispanic man and a curly haired woman. "Esposito, Karpowski, this is Officer Beckett. She will be working with you. Beckett, these are Officers Esposito and Karpowski."

Both said their greetings, showed Beckett what they were doing, and continued on with their work. Maybe jumping right into the job and belonging here wouldn't be so hard after all.

~O.o.O.o.O~

The day flew by to both Beckett's surprise and chagrin. She didn't really want to go home. If she went home she would be alone with too many thoughts and that was never a good thing. At least when she was busy with work her mind was kept occupied.

Sighing, Beckett headed out the front door of the precinct, almost running into someone on the way out. "Sorry," she said automatically, not even noticing who it was.

"Miss Beckett. We keep meeting like this," came a familiar cocky tone. Kate groaned; this was exactly what she didn't need right now: to run face first into Richard Castle.

"Castle," she greeted curtly. _Now_ she just wanted to go home.

"Ooo, using my last name again—I like it."

"I'm tired Rick," she lied, "what do you want?"

His voice softened as he lost some of the cocky attitude. "A chance." She gaped at him, not quite sure what to say. She didn't have to say anything because he was more than happy to o all the talking. "I'm just saying it would be nice if you would stop running Kate. It doesn't have to mean anything. We don't have to start this big romantic relationship. Just stop running from me and from the friendship that we could have." Kate looked down at the ground, suddenly finding her shoes interesting to stare at. "I'll let you think about it," he said before turning and leaving.

Kate didn't even have a chance to say anything before he was gone. It wasn't until he was completely out of sight that she realized that she really didn't want him to leave. She dint know what she wanted; all she knew was that she was going to stop running.

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	11. Chapter Ten

**Disclaimer: Marlowe doesn't forget about you guys and go on a nine book rereading spree. **

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**Chapter Ten**

_"Nobody said it was easy"_

It had been a month since Kate told herself that she was going to stop running and she had kept to her word. She was nowhere near ready for a romantic relationship but she was enjoying this new-found friendship with Castle.

They met for coffee a couple of times a week which would end up being hours long and almost always turned into them going for a walk an just talking about their days.

Kate was getting better at the opening up thing—Castle was even easier to talk to than Mindy—but she still wouldn't let him completely in. He knew nothing of the situation with her mother or her father and as far as he knew, she moved back to New York because she needed a change of scenery. He knew nothing about Will's part in it all either.

It was still nice to have someone to talk to for a change even if she wouldn't fill him in on everything.

"You'll be fine," Castle reassured her as she stared into his apartment from the doorway, looking panicked. Somehow he had managed to talk her into coming for dinner—with his mother and daughter there. She hadn't met them yet and the thought of it terrified her to no end. If she met his family it made this more real. What did they expect of her? Would they think she was Castle's girlfriend?

"Come in Beckett," he said, breaking her out of her daze. She smiled at the use of her last name—last names were comfortable. They were something she was use to.

She slowly entered realizing she must have been gaping through the open door for at least five minutes now. The apartment was huge, just like she imagined it would be. It was nicely furnished as well; she could tell he was a family man and not the bachelor he liked to pretend to be for the media.

There was a flash of red hair as Castle's nine-year-old daughter came running down the stairs. Not far behind her was Martha Rogers, making a dramatic as per usual—at least according to Castle.

"Hi," the younger re-head said, "I'm Alexis." The girl stuck out her hand and smiled warmly as Kate shook it.

"You must be Kate," Martha said, giving the overwhelmed brunette a hug before introducing herself.

_I can do this_, Kate thought as she smiled at Castle's family, bound and determined to get through this evening even though not giving into her instinct to run wasn't easy.

~O.o.O.o.O~

"So do you get to arrest people?" the eager nine-year-old asked Kate when they were one dinner and waiting for Castle to bring out dessert.

"Sometimes," Kate told her. Dinner had gone quite well. Martha and Alexis seemed genuinely interested in her job and she enjoyed telling them about it—making sure not to tell them too much.

"Everyone ready for my homemade lemon meringue pie?" Castle asked, bringing out a huge, decadent looking pie. The roast and roasted vegetables Castle had cooked were quite delicious and Kate was now pleasantly full but there was always room for dessert.

"Definitely!" his daughter exclaimed.

"Oh Richard, you really outdid yourself," his mother added.

"It does look pretty good Castle," Kate added.

Alexis giggled and Kate turned to her with an inquisitive look. "It's funny how you call him Castle," the young girl admitted.

Kate laughed as well. "I guess it is; I'm just used to calling people by their last names because of work."

"Do you call anyone you work with by their first name?" Alexis asked.

"No not really. Calling Esposito by his first name would be weird and I don't really know Karpowski all that well."

"Huh," the girl responded, "the last name thing is still kinda cool." The girl became silent for a few minutes before shyly adding, "Will you be coming for diner again? You're really fun to talk to."

Kate smiled at Castle across the table and then turned back to Alexis, "Thank you. Yeah, I think I will be."

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	12. Chapter Eleven

**Disclaimer: Marlowe doesn't work in a coffee shop all week and a laundromat on weekends.**

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**Chapter Eleven**

_"No one said it would be this hard"_

Kate wasn't in the greatest of moods when she showed up at her usual coffee shop before work. She had tried making coffee at home this morning to save some money but her coffee pot decided to break down mid-pot causing the hot coffee to spill all over the countertop and onto the floor. After she cleaned up the mess, she didn't have the patience to try again so here she was, standing in line for her usual overpriced latte.

As impatient as Kate was with how slow the line was moving, she couldn't help but feel bad for the flustered clerk at the till, who was clearly new and in training. "I want a grande Americano breve misto at one-hundred-seventy degrees to go and a grande soy half sweet caramel macchiato at one-hundred-forty degrees to go," the cranky woman in front of Kate barked at the clerk who looked like she was about to burst into tears at any moment. She struggle to punch it all in, but apparently she got it eventually, as the woman move to the side and Kate was able to get to the counter to order.

"Can I get a grande skinny vanilla latte?" Kate asked her sweetly. At the girl's flustered look she added, "That's a grande skim latte with two pumps sugar-free vanilla."

"Thank you," the girl, whose nametag said Laura, said, grateful for the clarification. "That seems fairly easy; I have no clue what the previous lady even ordered."

"The Americano breve misto is three shots of espresso topped off with water and a bit of steamed cream and she wanted it extra hot. The half sweet caramel mac is like a mocha except with caramel, but since she wanted it half sweet only half the amount of caramel sauce goes in. She wanted that one at a much cooler temperature."

"Thanks," Laura said, almost in awe of Kate's knowledge. "How did you know all that?"

"I worked in a coffee shop to pay my way through college," Kate admitted. She laughed and added, "Plus I really, really like coffee."

Kate paid for her latte and moved to the side, knowing that even though her day got off to a rough start, she might have brightened this girl's a bit.

~O.o.O.o.O~

To Kate's surprise she didn't end up late for work. Esposito was there waiting to tell her about the murder case O'Brien and Grayson caught. A middle aged woman was stabbed to death in what originally appeared to be a mugging but upon further inspection was rule out. The woman still had all her jewellery and money along with her wallet that contained ID, identifying her as Elizabeth Henry. Grayson and O'Brien were talking with her eighteen year old daughter now.

Kate couldn't breathe. The similarities to her mother's case were eerie. She felt like she herself had been stabbed. All the emotions from that night came rushing back to her in waves that could have knocked her over. She felt pain and empathy for the victim's daughter who was only a year younger than she had been when her own mother was stabbed and left to bleed to death in an alley.

Esposito must have noticed how pale she was and how quiet she had gotten but he chose not to say anything. Instead, he gave her a look that communicated his concern and she gave him a nod in return to signal that she was alright.

They moved on, neither one wanting to delve into anything deeper about Kate's reaction to the murder. The victim's phone wasn't on her but the killer clearly wasn't smart enough to turn it off and they were able to trace it to a dumpster a couple of blocks from where the body was found.

No blood on the site where Elizabeth's boy was found led Detectives O'Brien and Grayson to believe that she wasn't killed there and Esposito and Beckett were able to confirm that when traces of blood and evidence of foul play were found at the dumpster.

"Why do we get stuck doing this?" Esposito asked Kate as they dug through the dumpster looking for the victim's phone. Since it wasn't on her they figured there must be something important on it for the killer to dump it.

"Because we're lowly officers and the detectives didn't want to do it," Beckett deadpanned.

"At least that will be us one day," the Hispanic detective sighed. "Why did Karpowski have to choose this week to go on vacation? It's not fair that she should miss this?"

"How dare she miss dumpster diving to go to her sister's wedding out of state," Kate joked half heartedly. She was trying to act normal but she just couldn't get the picture of that woman with a stab wound out of her head.

~O.o.O.o.O~

Kate had never been happier for the work day to end. After an hour of sorting through garbage she had finally found the phone, only to find out the killer (or the victim herself) had erased everything off it. They were hitting dead end after dead end and all Kate wanted to do was go home and curl up in bed.

Clearly she wasn't going to be that lucky. Waiting for her outside the precinct was Castle. He was the last person she really wanted to see right now.

He smiled at her brightly, but even that did nothing to lift her spirits. She managed to give him a small smile but he quickly saw right through it.

"You okay?" he asked her, concern passing his face like it had Esposito's earlier.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she lied. Part of her just wanted to tell him about her day and how hard it was to have a case hit this close to home. As per usual she said nothing.

"I can see you aren't fine, Kate. You say you're fine but I know you better than that."

Irrational anger seethed through Kate even though Castle didn't do anything. "You don't know me at all!" Kate snapped.

Castle looked taken aback but quickly prepared a comeback, "Well whose fault is that? I've been trying to get to know you but you won't let me. Sure, you kept your word an haven't run yet but you still won't let me in. I'm trying Kate! What else do I have to do to get you to let me in? What could be so damn bad that you won't allow yourself to trust me?"

"I can't deal with this right now," she said angrily, starting to walk away.

"And here you go, running away. You know what Kate, when you decide you're ready to deal with something, call me."

Kate had never heard his voice be so cold but nonetheless, she kept walking.

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**A/N: Those of you who know me or have read my work before know that I am obsessed with the Johanna Beckett case. No matter how hard I try not to obsess over it in stories I always manage to come back to it. I'm here to inform you that this story has nothing to do with that case and the case in this chapter is just because I wanted a case to hit close to home; it is in no way connected.**

**~Rose**


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Disclaimer: I wonder if creepy drunk guys stare at Marlowe's ass and try to follow him home from work too.**

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**Chapter Twelve**

_"Oh, take me back to the start"_

Kate was still fuming from her fight with Castle when she got home. She didn't really feel like eating anything even though she knew she should, so instead she just downed a glass of water, removed her makeup, and went to bed.

Sleep didn't come immediately like she had hoped it would. Her mind was still working in overdrive. Between the current case and her fight with Castle, Kate would be lucky to get any sleep at all tonight. She tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable. It was warm for an October night and the restless officer kept throwing the blankets off herself before deciding she was too cold and pulling them back up again.

Sighing, Kate grabbed the book off her nightstand, knowing sleep wasn't going to come anytime soon. The notion of a book being a good distraction shattered when she noticed that the book was _A Rose for Everafter _by Richard Castle. The last thing she needed right now was to read a murder mystery by the man who was already far too engrained into her mind. She contemplated getting up and going to find another book on her bookshelf but decided against it and rolled over in bed instead.

Exhaustion finally washed over the brunette and even her busy mind couldn't keep her from sleep. Images from her past clouded her mind and entered her dreams: her childhood home, her college, Will's apartment in Boston. One moment she was a small child being read to sleep by her mother and the next she was a rebellious teenager in high school. Before her min could even adjust to the dream, the scenery changed again and suddenly she was in the alley her mother died in.

She looked over to see her mother slumped over on the ground. She was bleeding from a stab wound by her kidney but was still alive—if only barely.

"Mom," Kate whispered. "Mom," she said again louder. Johanna still didn't look at her and Kate practically screamed her name as she ran over to the dying woman.

"She can't hear you," a voice hissed. Kate looked around but there was no one there. She thought she might have been imagining it until she heard the voice again. "She can't see you either."

"Who are you?" Kate asked, "Why can't she see or hear me?"

"Who I am is not important," the voice said again. Kate couldn't tell if it belonged to a man or a woman.

When it became clear the voice wasn't going to answer her other question she asked it again. "Why can't she see or hear me?"

"Because you're dead."

Kate felt a flash of blinding pain and looked own to see a knife sticking out of her side. She pulled it out but there was no blood. The pain was gone as quickly as it came, along with a feeling of emptiness. Kate looked down at her hand which was quickly becoming transparent. She was disappearing.

Before she could disappear completely the scene changed again and she was at her mother's funeral. Her father was standing beside her, as stoic and numb as she was.

"Are you ready Katie?" he asked her. At least _he_ could see and hear her.

"No, but I don't think I ever will be," she admitted.

"I know," he responded sadly, "but you have to be."

Jim suddenly disappeared from his spot next to Kate leaving her all alone. She made her way to the grave but instead of the name "Johanna Beckett" the name she saw was "James Beckett".

Her heart plummeted and the scene changed yet again, but this time she was at a book signing for none other than Richard Castle. The line moved fairly quickly and before she knew it she was at the table where Castle was signing books.

"Who can I make this out to?" the author asked her without even a glimmer of recognition in his eyes.

"Come on Castle, you know who I am," she responded with a playful smile.

His voice became ice cold—even colder than it had been during their fight this evening—as he said, "Actually I don't know you at all."

His words eerily echoed hers earlier and she sighed, closing her eyes. "And whose fault is that?" she mumbled under her breath, using the same words Castle had thrown at her.

He didn't respond and Kate got the message loud and clear: if she didn't learn to let people in she really was going to be alone. As Kate woke up in a sweat she was surprised at just how much that scared her.

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**A/N: I may have gone all cryptic on you...**


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